A manic day. Felt annoyance and even hatred for people I cared about. Cussed out a virtual stranger. Everything was overwhelming and full of possibility. Ideas unspooled from my mind, tangent upon tangent, a fractured window of possibility. Couldn’t ignore anything. Magazines unfolded the future, foretelling all manner of innovations. Couldn’t *not* think about it. Playtested the game again and things kept creeping in from the edges of the rooms, things that weren’t there, could never be there. Wine to take the edge off things. Drove home and chatted with new astonishlingly gorgeous neighbor. Sit in my apartment and sigh about distances measured in every possible way.
Listening to Haughty Melodic
Tremendous Brunettes
– Mike Doughty
All them tremendous brunettes around…
Slow down, don’t fuck with my high
I want to be left alone here with my monsters and
Say, now it’s time to ride
To see lovely girls and to not put the moves on them
Praise now the baby genius
She skips in the shade of the lonely sour apple tree
While she snaps on her gum
Her gleaming teeth bared and the shine that she shows to me
All of your ill-gotten gains
That you have whipped up to a rich, foamy lather, girl
Nameless gnaw of my pains
Like three hundred trumpets, and just one is out of tune
Crisis Free Zone
So this new year’s eve I forgot about my wedding anniversary and didn’t kiss anyone and almost have sex and didn’t get drunk or fall into despair and didn’t have my heart broken. Sounds like it will be a good year.
Happy New Year!
I don’t make new year’s resolutions. I just like to believe in things enough to make them happen. So this year I think I’ll publish a game and fall in love and be more still and be more me.
Have a good one, everybody! Don’t die.
Anonymous Comments
Because I think anonymous comments are cowardly and create a built in dead end to any kind of dialogue, I’ve instituted comment moderation. Any post where the poster is unidentified/unfamiliar will just get deleted before it appears on my blog. The alternative is making all my friends sign up for an account here, but I don’t want to do that.
One is the Lonliest Number
10:57 and I can’t sleep.
Is loneliness a kind of survival instinct, a desire to rejoin the strong numbers of the tribe for fear of the wolves? Is loneliness a product of our modern society? Technology allows vast numbers of the unfit and unhealthy to survive on their own.
We’re not born alone and we usually grow up in some kind of group. Even if you’re grown in a Hasbro gene vat, there’s a few other backup copies in there too. But where is the tribe now? We’re letting technology create these new templates simply for the sake of it. Paradigms aren’t shifting because we’re on the cusp of some new era. It’s because someone is selling something. And all blog irony aside, we’re a generation away from forgetting what we offered up on the altar in exchange for our digital “communities.”
A different context
I think something I need to seek out this coming year is a different social context to express all these emotions. It was like I had my chest blown out last week and now it has more capacity. I raged uncontrollably in a way that still frightens me. All the usual restraints were gone and I just threw a violent screaming tantrum. This is where too much honesty can be unkind. I don’t ever want to tell her how much I hated her that night and how angry I felt. I’ve suddenly developed quite a temper, screaming at the computer, almost smashing things. But somehow I feel *better* than before, like these things are okay.
And I got my birthday wish. I let it all go, I let them go, I let myself go. And now I see that anything I feel for her is because I allow myself to feel it, not because of fate or some underlying damage. For several hours, I *saw* her. Everything loathsome and wrong and hurtful and damaged and psychotic. And I hated her and I hated myself for ever letting her affect me. I raged and raged, letting all this shit pour through me. I couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t something I’d wish for anyone to see. I woke up on the floor, not sure of where I was.
And when I see her, I feel lighter. And man does she piss me off. And I still love her, but it feels like something tangible and something I’ve decided for myself, not some ephemeral glow outside of my control. But it was easier the other way.
An excellent Christmas!
Lots of wonderful things happened this Christmas! There was great food, laughing, photos, walking to see all the lights, putting out the stockings and Santa gifts, secret plans, sleeping fitfully, waking on Christmas day and making breakfast, opening gifts, playing with said gifts, napping, seeing Mirrormask again, mulled wine and then home again. Ananda got her drum set and Joey got his XBox 360 and I felt like I had pulled off a masterful plan!
33
“33” is the name of the first episode of Battlestar Galactica, season one. It’s also how old I turned a few days ago. There was a cake and a birthday wish. And, like some kind of weird 80s after school special, my wish came true.
I feel like I’ve lived a whole lifetime in one week. I’ve witnessed such horrible, astonishing revelations. I’ve been confronted with the core issues, dissolved multiple illusions, and revisited more plot threads than anything “previously on Lost…”
I felt things fall away from me with a clank, like some heavy, rusted, leaden thing.
Wine tonight, I babble. ‘Night.
WarCon Logo
Ryan let me know that one of my logos appeared in a news story in the Montgomery Advertiser.